Ways for men to get out of shopping — permanently!

OK, guys, we’ve all had that feeling when we’ve heard our wives say, “I need to go to the store and the mall and I want you to go.”

Just writing that creates tingling shutters to travel through my body and tickle my spine. And we’ve all tried to get out of accompanying our other halves on these oh-so-boring outings with varying excuses: mowing the lawn, changing the oil in the car, raking leaves, even washing clothes but usually to no avail.

Well, guys, keep reading and find out how you can get out of those shopping excursions forever — that’s right — forever and even have some fun along the way. I wish I could take credit for coming up with these ideas, but I can’t because this bit of information was passed on to me by my cousin Kenny.

I don’t know if all this is true and don’t really care because not only is it clever and plausible, it also is pretty darn funny…

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. (fill in her last name),

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialvoice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which 20 children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

4 Responses

  1. this was great!

  2. […] Ways for men to get out of shopping – permanently! (viewfromthemidwest.com) […]

  3. Reblogged this on A Christian Overcomer and commented:
    MAN!!! Is this FUNNY!!

  4. […] Ways for men to get out of shopping – permanently! (viewfromthemidwest.com) […]

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