We hold this truth self-evident:
Evolution debate is a waste of time

David Chartrand

David Chartrand

It is long past time for Kansas to resolve the ongoing wrangle over teaching evolution v creationism in public schools.  For crying out loud, we haven’t even chosen an official state fish.

I propose that all Kansas schools be required to teach that human life evolved from the honey bee, which is the official state insect. This way the State Legislature can return to more pressing issues, such as writing new jokes about the Kansas Supreme Court.

Kansas is not alone in this dilemma.  The original U.S. Bill of Rights, which was written on parchment paper and accidentally erased, stipulated that every state hold an annual debate about how the world began. This provides weary public officials a respite from Medicaid reform and mental health services, both of which are as important as evolution but not nearly as entertaining.

Evolutionists trace the origins of the universe to a random series of biological chain reactions captured on videotape by a public TV station in Richmond, Va. What began as simple molecular matter transmuted to plant life, which evolved to invertebrates, which evolved to fishes, which evolved to larger amphibians, which evolved to apes and then to Cher.

“Creationists,” on the other hand, consider evolutionists to be raving space loons. Creationists want schools to teach that the world was the handiwork of a divine master who, having never created a universe before, made a number of honest mistakes that could not be reversed. Online poker comes to mind.

The creationist view is popular with organized religion because of compelling documentation found in the Biblical chapter of Genesis, which states, “And God created everything, and God does not consider any of this up for discussion so shut up.” Creationists further cite the passage in the Bible where it says, “And the Lord sent a large fish that swallowed Jonah, and then both of them were swallowed by a giant channel catfish, which the Lord decreed should one day become the state fish of Kansas.” (Jonah 2: 1-3). The details gets fuzzy after that but you get the idea.

Evolutionists snicker that one can dig up a Biblical passage to support any wacky theory, including the belief that,  “When two men are fighting and the wife of one intervenes to save her husband from the blows of his opponent, if she stretches out her hand and seizes the latter by his private parts, you shall chop off her hand.” Those following along with a copy of the New Testament can locate this text somewhere in the book of Deuteronomy, depending on whether you own the Revised English Standard Edition or the Hebrew Deluxe Gold Pro Edition.

In short, the evolution-creationisn discussion is going nowhere.  Anthropologists calculate that, at this rate, it will take an additional 1.2 million years to resolve the evolution-creationism issue, longer if we let both sides stop and go to the bathroom.

The best way to get over the evolution hump is to offer Kansans a wider selection of options, thereby, diluting the political impact of any single voting bloc.  This would send a clear signal to Kansas school boards that all theories — even the really dumb ones — are acceptable. Optional teaching theories would include:

The JFK Conspiracy Theory — This teaches that we all descended from members of the Kennedy family of Massachusetts.

The Canine Theory — The math is simple. If life began 60 million years ago, and the first humans arrived 2 million years ago, then it’s probable that we are descended from their dogs. The reason that a dog will bark about 1,347,215 times during the night while other life forms are trying to sleep is because it is trying to contact other dogs to help recapture control of the planet.

Big Band Theory — Traces the beginning of the universe to the first studio recording of “Moonlight Serenade” by the Glenn Miller Orchestra.

The Man-As-Idiot Theory — In general, humans are more gullible than crawling insects. Researchers at Kansas State University demonstrated this with laboratory tests comparing the behavior of carpenter ants to that of grownups obsessed with the evolution issue. Researchers asked a random sample of Kansas voters if they considered the evolution-creationism question more important than the vanishing Ogallala Aquifer. The scientists then posed the same question to a colony of carpenter ants. In 99 percent of the tests, voters had never heard of the Ogallala Aquifer and asked that it be used in a sentence. The carpenter ants became agitated and ate the scientists.

The Irrelevance Theory — The appeal of this theory is its common sense simplicity. Schools that choose this option would teach children that,  “The entire evolution-creationism standoff is a bunch of flapdoodle. For crying in the bucket, who cares how we got here?  We got here, didn’t we?”

As a patriot and history scholar, I urge Kansans to end this squabble and consider the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, whose immortal words I always get confused with the immortal words of Thomas Jefferson. It’s long past time to put this course of human events behind us and dissolve the evolution-creationism barriers that have divided us, to demonstrate a decent respect for a variety of self-evident theories that the Laws of Nature entitle us, whether we like it or not.

We must, thereby, mutually pledge to each other our lives and sacred honor in order that our public schools, assembled in one nation under God or whatever, may dedicate the last measure of their devotion to the proposition that education of the people, by the people and for the people is, in fact, an unalienable right endowed by the Creator intended to establish domestic tranquility for our children and children’s children, who, with any luck, will little note nor long remember that we even brought this up.



© 2014, David Chartrand

David Chartrand writes humor and commentary from his home in Olathe. • •



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: