Today’s DIY tip:

The easy way to clean windows and eliminate mosquitoes

David Chartrand

David Chartrand

There is no good time of the year to clean the windows in your house. But there are ways to make the job easier or avoid it altogether.

Never clean windows during autumn. Clean windows will offer a sparkling view of your lawn, which is covered with leaves. You hate raking leaves more than you hate cleaning windows.

If you must clean windows I recommend the dead of winter. Swaddled in parka, boots and snow gloves you announce loudly that you are heading outside to clean the windows. Your family will smile warmly, the way people smile at somebody who’s having a nervous breakdown. Five minutes later you come back inside and announce that it’s too damn cold to clean windows. You may now spend the rest of the winter watching football.

Spring cleaning will make you the laughing stock of the neighborhood.  Your neighbors are hosting barbecues and watching baseball games because they clean windows the old-fashioned way — they hire professionals.

When it comes to windows, spring cleaning is a cruel myth.  Spring brings relentless winds that stir up the outside dirt. Most of this dirt comes from your lawn, which has no grass because seeding and fertilizing is the one do-it-yourself chore you hate more than cleaning windows and raking leaves.

Spring cleaning also will make you the laughing stock of the neighborhood.  Your neighbors are hosting barbecues and watching baseball games because they clean windows the old-fashioned way — they hire professionals.

A few more tips for the do-it-yourselfer:

  1. Never own a ladder that reaches higher than, say, four feet. Ladders provide access to windows high enough above sea level to cause serous brain injury to those who don’t know how to clean windows or climb ladders.
  2. Use a garden house to power-spray your windows (outside only). The dirt will be gone although the windowpanes will be spattered with water spots. Count your blessings. Do you want dirt or water spots?
  3. If you’re a single woman get married quickly and make your spouse do it.
  4. If you’re married, have an affair and make your boyfriend do it.
  5. Buy a house without windows. This will cause some discomfort during the warm months of July and August, primarily due to mosquitoes. This can be resolved by releasing adult bats into your house. A single bat will eat up to 8,000 mosquitoes each night. Accordingly, a typical Midwesterner home will require 200-300 bats.
  6. Build one of those “earth berm” houses where everything below the roof is underground. Such houses have windows that remain closed. Open the blinds and you see nothing but dirt, which is the reason you bought a berm home to begin with.

Lastly, I recommend that you temporarily disconnect Internet service in your home. This will prevent your spouse or other family members from watching YouTube videos that spread cruel lies about how easy it is to clean windows. These tutorials feature actors who spend all their time making do-it-yourself videos, which, come to think of it, is another great way to avoid cleaning windows.






© 2014, David Chartrand

David Chartrand writes humor and commentary from his home in Olathe. • •

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